June 2011
1 post
Nippley
A woman cracked my thumb knuckles while I was playing with her nipples this evening. I’m not sure what inspired her to wreak havoc on my joints, but we were in a parking lot and I was enjoying her nipples when out of nowhere she decided they needed to be adjusted.
February 2011
2 posts
Whoa whoa whoa
I’m reading back over what I’ve written and found a spot where I kissed a girl who had stubble?! WTF?!! This is confusing to me cause it’s happened AGAIN since I’ve been in LA. There’s some fucking beard epidemic going on.
I Shall Return...
Soon. Within a few months. And it will be fucking glorious.
September 2010
2 posts
Addendum...
Some people are expressing their support for me after reading this post. I just wanna make something clear; I was laughing the entire two mile walk to my truck from the show. I was still drunk when I wrote this and was pretty pissed, but I wasn’t hurt. At all. I needed a fun girl for a little while and she worked perfect but it was time to move on. I’m just glad I got a story out...
The Biggest Fail
I haven’t written in a while. I got involved with a girl in Atlanta and things were “good”. But now I’m back in LA and, well, I’m dating LA girls. Shit’s gonna get real.
Tonight I had what can easily be described as the biggest dating fail of my life. I’ve been hangin with a girl who I figured had an ex, but I didn’t realize to what level. Btw,...
April 2010
1 post
Why You Should Date More Than 1 Girl
Reason #1: You can copy the mix cds they give you and give them to the other girls you’re dating. And vice versa.
March 2010
2 posts
Ethnic Hate
One more thing. If you’ve been seeing an Iranian on a regular basis is it bad form to go on a date with an Iraqi?
FUCKING LIARS
If you’re online dating, DON’T LIE ABOUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. At the very least I’ll find out on a first date.
I’m proposing that everyone involved in online dating make it easy to stalk them so I can find out exactly what they look like BEFORE a first date dammit. Buncha fuckin liars.
January 2010
2 posts
JACKPOT!!
Ok Cupid is AMAZING!! On tap this weekend: a woman who’s mentioned peep shows and choking. Bring popcorn!
“I love the beach! The first tattoo I got was a mermaid cause I want to be one. ...”
– My new “ex” stripper friend. And yes she showed them to me.
November 2009
6 posts
M.A.S.H.
Tonight I go on a date with a 21 year old Army medic who plays Warcraft because she used it as a way to stay in touch with her mom while she was in Iraq. I’ve only got one question…
You think there’s a practical way to work battlefield psychological trauma into bedroom fun? You know, just in case.
Be Careful What You Ask For
I’m strange with dating. I consider a date enjoyable if I I meet a girl who I’m attracted to, we have a great time and really seem to click and I end up wanting to go out with her again. I also REALLY enjoy dates that most people would consider complete disasters.
Saturday night I had a date with the girl who described herself as enjoying necropsies on dogs and cats.
First off,...
“I’m not really an animal person. I don’t like dogs or cats, but I...”
– My friend from the restroom altercation was attempting to have an entire conversation with me through text message. I called her and this was what she had to say.
I Ran
If you think you’ll get away with getting it on in a bathroom stall at a club…you’re sorely mistaken. There will be a man waiting outside the restroom and he’ll escort both of you directly out a back door.
Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.
I’d be proud if the restroom stall had been my idea.
And the title’s funny since the girl was from Iran. Get it?!...
“I could be a crazy serial killer with great hair and wits that cannot be...”
– The latest girl to email me. I can’t help but respond to these psychos.
Fucking Listen to my Wisdom
I’m starting to believe that if you kiss enough people you’ll become invincible.
Conversely if you sleep with enough people I’m pretty sure at some point you keel over dead.
October 2009
7 posts
“I wouldnt mind meeting up..i am all for making new friends. And as much as i...”
– File this under, “Things You Include In Your Profile.” Wait, I just realized that means she’s probably easy. SCORE!!
The Cost of Internet Dating
Last night I realized the problem with free dating sites; it costs nothing for you to reject someone or for someone to reject you whereas on a pay site it costs me everytime I reject someone.
I’m using this explanation to explain why pretty much every girl I’ve emailed on Plenty of Fish has rejected me recently. Oh logic, you’re my best friend…
“I looked at my life and decided I didn’t want to come home to my cats...”
– A date who might’ve been a bit too honest. Take note females.
I Kissed a Girl
Word of advice; if you’re a woman who’s apt to growing any kind of facial hair, make sure it’s freshly shaved/waxed/naired before a date.
I kissed a girl…and she had stubble.
Preggers
Sometimes I like to login to the free dating websites, like Plenty of Fish, and cruise for single moms.
Once I find one who’s attracted to me, I like to launch into a drunk diatribe about the personal, social and cultural consequences of unplanned pregnancies and single motherhood. One of my favorite comments is:
“WOW that must’ve sucked having to give up your life at age 22...
Angelic
I ended up at a party at a park on Labor Day. Six beers into the afternoon my brain started thinking the way a brain does after six beers, with my cock. I dialed my friend from the Friday before and left a quick message to see what she was up to.
The next Saturday morning I woke up, rolled over, looked at my phone and saw a voicemail…from the stripper.
“Hey ******, it’s...
Dilemnas Make Me Hard
Let’s say it’s the Friday before Labor Day, you have a half day, you spend lunch with some work buddies and one of them suggests a trip to a strip joint in a less-than reputable part of town. What would you do?
About 1/2 hour later I found myself trying to park in a parking lot stuffed full of construction trucks and trucks full of real estate signs. A mark of class if I’ve...
May 2009
1 post
FUCK YOU PATRICIA HEATON!!!
For the first time in this project, I’ve been stood up. TWICE!!!
This girl didn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary, except that she resembled Patricia Heaton, but for the sake of the project I decided to go on a date with her. First time she stood me up was because she was, “studying for law school finals”. I thought, “eh, that’s valid” and...
April 2009
6 posts
Depeche Mode
Last Thursday I had a date with a 5’11 35 year old. Disappointingly it went way better than I thought it would. But I did gather this gem from the date:
She’s a huge Depeche Mode fan. Honestly I don’t really give a shit, but the entertaining part was that she didn’t find Depeche Mode “dark”. After talking for a bit she admitted that she sat down and...
Last Night
Last night’s contestant had a northern accent. I’ve never been on a date with a girl that had an accent like that. People keep telling me how gross of an accent it is, but honestly it was kinda hot!! I kept sitting there imagining a cold winter night and her bringing me platter after platter of bratwurst and steins of rich beer while dressed in some skanky Polish outfit. And for...
Almost Midway
After tonight I’ll be midway through my week of insanity and my friend brought up some good points.
1. With the sheer numbers I’m starting to get into the chances of me dating someone that used to be a guy increases drastically. I’m hoping I have the observational powers to make this a non-factor.
2. Again, the numbers start pushing me into STD territory. I need to graph...
8 Crazy Nights
I’m setting up my own version of Channukah over the next 8 nights. During this time period I’m striving to go on a date EVERY night. If everything works out as planned the total number of girls I will have gone on dates with at the end of this religious festival will be 6.
Yes, I’m spiraling out of control.
Yes, it will be spectacular.
IF YOU DIG DEEP ENOUGH YOU'LL HIT PAYDIRT!!!
Oh my god I’ve found magic. The girl I’m on the phone with RIGHT NOW is UN-BE-LEIVABLE!! And not unbelievable in a, “I wanna date you” kinda way. NO! Unbelievable in a, “this could be the GREATEST DATE IN THE ENTIRETY OF MY LIFE” kinda way!! A short list:
#1. We’re goin out for beers. That sounds minor but it makes a big difference in the direction...
Contestant # Whatever the fuck number I'm on
I’m lazy as shit today. So no cartoon picture. BUT, I just got a date with a 35 year old for Thursday. I’m sure her ridiculous cougar-libido and my desire to watch Seinfeld, eat sandwiches and sleep during sex…at the same time…will mean a good time will be had by all.
March 2009
17 posts
Things I'm Proud Of
I’m proud that I’m now able to show up on a date without ANY studying of the emails I’ve sent with a girl and have her wanting to kiss me by the end of the evening. It’s at the point where they’re literally upset at me for forgetting everything they’ve told me about themselves. But an hour later they’re totally stoked on me! How do I pull this off?...
LIAR MCLIARSON
4’10”. Apparently that’s pretty fuckin short. I never really realized that. Well actually, I once had a makeout session with a chick that was 4’9”…legally a midget. But I was drunk and we weren’t exactly standing so height didn’t come into play. But when you sit down at a table and your date jokes about how she needs a booster seat, you’re...
Tonight's Thought Process...
“Wow!! I’m actually having fun with this girl! And for once I’m not thinking about my ex! (It’s only been two weeks people, gimme a break) She doesn’t mind that I’m making stupid remarks during the movie and actually laughs at the bullshit that’s erupting from my mouth! And she laughs LOUD! That’s fun! Hmmmm, maybe I’ll hold her...
Something New
A good friend of mine has suggested something fantastic for this blog. I’ll start working on it after my next two dates. It will be worth it.
Anonymous Can Haz Cougar?
I’ve got two dates lined up for this week. One is with Contestant #2 and the other one is with a NEW contestant that I’ll add to the list soon. I’ve got a few more potential dates lined up, with one that might be something spectacular. Check back…
We Have a Problem...
Things aren’t going quite as planned. So far the two dates I’ve been on have resulted in two girls that actually LIKE me. And as par for the course I could give a shit. But the main problem is I’m not ending up with anything interesting out of these dates. I guess I’m just not batting towards the crazy side of the field, or I’m just currently boring. Either one...
Prep-Time
I really wish I could just walk out of my house and GO on a date instead of having prep time. The biggest thing that requires prep is hair. I currently have a shaved head, but being a guy means you still have to shave, and more importantly, check your head for weird hair. Ear hair, nose hair, eyebrows…I really hate hair.
The other big area of prep for me right now is studying up on these...
Lowest Common Denominator
If you decide online dating is for you, here’s something you have to remember. When you’re looking at a person’s profile and they have an assortment of pictures do NOT assume they look like their best picture. The worst picture they have posted is probably the closest to what they actually look like.
And when your friends want pics of them send the best ones otherwise they...
Watching a Trainwreck
This upcoming week is going to be spectacular in ways I don’t think I’m even comprehending. I’ve got a date tonight, tomorrow night, Wednesday, and probably Thursday. After that I have like 2 or 3 more potential dates coming up…and they’re ALL with different girls. If that’s not enough I realized this morning that I am in no way emotionally ready to be doing...
The Athletic Chick
Everyone knows one. Guy or girl, you know one. She’s the girl with the cute face, sans the Reese Witherspoon Mule-Jaw. Other than that the rest of her is 100% man with a hint of flab and b-cups.
The problem is sometimes they can be REALLY cute. And under all of it, as my best friend told me tonight, “pink is pink”. Don’t act like you’re above that thought...
Things I Do Not Trust
Eharmony.com Yeah there’s some chicks on there I wanna wreck, but that’s it. Other than that it’s nothing but emotional retards. And the chicks I wanna wreck are looking for someone to “love”.
Yes, love is in parentheses cause it doesn’t count if the preconceived idea is horseshit.
In other news I’ve discovered my recent breakup might actually fuel...
Yes
I know I promised new posts, and I shall not fail you.
I’ve been single for less than 4 hours and I’ve already got 1 date lined up for Sunday evening so you KNOW it’s gonna be quality!
No, I shall not fail you…
February 2009
1 post
Guess Who's Back in the Mutha-Fuckin House
Got side-tracked by a girl but it looks like I’ll be back on the wagon here soon. Keep checkin back…
January 2009
25 posts
What's the last book you've read?
If you’re a woman, and on a dating site, chances are 50/50 it was, “Eat, Pray, Love”.
No really. EVERY woman has that listed on their profile. So if you’re thinking of online dating, and you lack a dong, I’d consider listing something classy like “Fucking and Punching”.
“Rollerskating hot little mama seeking an honest man to enjoy life and...”
– A non-contestant’s intro. I couldn’t make this up if I tried.